By Chris Bascombe
As part of his family wind-up tour of modern civilisation, Elon Musk’s father, Errol, appeared on British TV on Wednesday pitching his son’s latest manifesto for fixing humanity.
Sadly, questions about the prospect of buying English Premier League giants Liverpool Football Club were on hold as Errol was preoccupied explaining how much brighter the world would be had Nelson Mandela shared the same values of Tommy Robinson.
Shame. The Kop plan of the Musks will make compelling reading, especially for those with a taste for dystopian visions.
When Musk senior casually dropped the idea of his son bidding for the Premier League leaders – thus revealing Elon as the most notorious celebrity Liverpool fan since a red scarf was found in the private quarters of Colonel Gaddafi – one could imagine the agents of certain footballers spending most of Tuesday frantically liking every social media post of the real life Hugo Drax.
Think of the billions and the aspirations. There would be no more contract wrangles with players such as Mohamed Salah and no more need to waste time paying a paltry £35 million for up-and-coming footballers such as, er, Mohamed Salah.
Statue of renowned socialist Shankly would have to go
After years of self-sustenance, Liverpool could take on Manchester City and Real Madrid and open enough Cayman Island accounts to buy-off anyone who queried the net spend.
Liverpool would be a matter of months from total domination.
The statue of legendary manager and staunch socialist Bill Shankly outside Anfield wouldn’t survive a Musk takeover.Credit: Offside via Getty Images
Not just of the Premier League, Champions League or FIFA Club World Cup. Arne Slot’s trophy ambitions would instantly go intergalactic, Musk owning Liverpool guaranteeing the inaugural winners of the Mars Premiership.
There might be a price to pay for such a Faustian pact, of course. Anfield would no doubt be renamed the ‘X’ Stadium, while the statue of renowned socialist Bill Shankly outside the Kop would, naturally, need replacing by one of Elon himself.
Donald Trump would get his private box, and due deference would need to be shown to those of like minded-political persuasion; the Xi Jinping Suite, Kim Jong Un Lounge and Genghis Khan Stand have a certain ring to them which only those unrealistic about ‘what’s needed to be competitive’ may find distasteful.
Replacing the club anthem to You’ll Never Walk Elon may also cause some controversy, but who cares as long as Liverpool suddenly have more cash than the combined wealth of Saudi Arabia’s Pro League?
Every home game would become a celebrity-endorsed event to make the Super Bowl look like village throwabout, especially if results deteriorated to such an extent that Elon eventually took the natural step of making himself head coach – or the retitled position of supreme leader – having earlier taken the strategic decision that his £10,000-a-year Kop season ticket could only be purchased by those who have bought a Tesla.
If that sounds steep for a fanbase many of whom reside in some of the most economically deprived areas of the United Kingdom, fear not. As a new franchise, there would be little likelihood of Liverpool playing games in the city of Liverpool as Elon relocates to a more scenic and secure part of the world. Those billionaires are not trying to acquire Greenland for nothing, you know.
So welcome to Anfield, Elon. Sure, it’s a match made in hell, but no one knows better than you that Satan is misunderstood.
