And so to the demi-denouement, the semi-finals of the Rugby World Cup in Paris. Yes, of course, it is a pleasure and a privilege to be here. For starters, the gaily festooned rugby mobs on the Champs Elysees and all around are a delight to behold – chanting, singing, waving their scarves with so much bonhomie that it would kill a brown dog.
It’s just that . . .
Well, it’s just that, as discussed a few days ago, three of the results in the quarter-finals denied the Cup the romantic rugby choice, the victory that would have captured the rugby world’s imagination and electrified it. Ireland, the long-time best team in the world, lost to the All Blacks by just four points. Please say it ain’t so.
England beat the same Fiji side that had beaten them at Twickenham just two months ago? What a bugger. Mighty France narrowly loses to the hulking South Africans who have already won the Cup three times, and it is only Argentina’s win over Wales that see victory for the goodies and popular choice.
Our only hope to get electricity back? As I write, it is for Argentina to beat the All Blacks to give back to the Cup what it once promised – a spectacular new entry into the World Cup Champions circle. Now that would be a story!
Meanwhile, there is only one upside in England being in the semi-finals instead of Australia. That is, they will get flogged by 40 points. And if we had been there, it would have been worse.
Dr Evil finally succeeds
As to Eddie Jones’ press conference at Coogee Oval this week, and his conclusion, let’s do a thought experiment. Let’s just say that three months ago, Dr Evil threatened you and I with having to watch Alan Jones ranting about The Voice on an endless spool for a week if we didn’t help him form up a wish list of things that needed to happen to completely derail the entire Wallaby program.
Dr Evil remains a menace to society. Credit: Still from YouTube
That is, we are obliged to use our basic knowledge of the game to advise the bad doctor on the strings that need to be pulled, and organised, so it would be inevitable that our blokes would hit the wall.
Reluctantly, I’ll go with the coach leaving behind so many experienced players, with so many collective Tests between them, that we will have the youngest and least experienced side in the entire Cup. And at the official farewell function, instead of having the entire squad, have just Eddie and two or three Wallabies – as a message that this is a reluctant duty for them, not a positive joy.
You will suggest that at the airport Eddie rants at the media for questioning his moves, results and selections – and tells them they have no clue, predicts that the Wallabies will win and generally gets the media offside and sets unreasonable expectations of how they will perform, all in one fell swoop.
Eddie Jones upon his return to Australia.Credit: Getty
Still with me, or are we straining the doctor’s credulity?
At the point that I suggest the coach picks five different captains for the first six matches, Dr Evil will protest – that is just not believable, and risks exposing his devilish plan. But we get that one over the line anyway, together with Eddie making so many changes in the selections in successive Tests that team cohesion is out of the question.
You suggest that the same Eddie Jones who talks of restoring pride in the Wallabies jersey also be the centre of the biggest story of the Cup, revolving around him being interviewed by the Japan Rugby Football Union via Zoom – who are possible quarter-final opponents.
We’ll need Eddie to flatly deny it, while never asking the JRFU to put out a statement saying it is not true, or telling the Japanese media that it is a nonsense and he is simply not available – either measure of which, if it was indeed false, would have killed the damaging story stone-dead.
There wasn’t any World Cup joy for the Wallabies.Credit: Getty
On the field, we will need the Wallabies to commit to such basic errors as not calling out “Mine!” when the opposition kicks high, allowing them to regather and score. Then, when there are just seconds to go, and their only chance is to hold on to it and run it, they will endlessly kick it.
And they can have a game plan that will see the Wallabies’ most devastating runner Marika Koroibete advance the ball just nine metres. And they continue to be endlessly penalised for the same rucking infringement, every time they get within cooee of the opposition line.
You get the drift.
All these things happened in this campaign. None of them would have been believable before the World Cup began, and it is simply incomprehensible how they all occurred on the watch of the most accomplished rugby coach in history, Eddie Jones.
I have no clue how it went so bad, nor you – but a large part must have been that there was little questioning of the more outrageous actions above because as insane as they seemed, he was Eddie Jones, so surely had a grand plan not apparent to us mere mortals? And, as Eddie had been given the authority to do as he damn well pleased on every front, there was no stopping him.
But here is the thing. Now that it has happened, the range of things Eddie Jones can legitimately say in his post-Cup press conference does NOT include, “I think I’ve left Australian rugby in a better position.”
But he said that this week.
I cite all of the above, together with our humiliating exit after the pool stage.
He has not left Australian rugby in a better position.
The best thing will be if he makes a “late decision,” to accept an offer to go to Japan if offered the job – as happened back in 2015 when, while with the Stormers, he denied reports he had signed with England only to be gone a week later.
Failing that, and if Rugby Australia cannot move him on, his unfettered power to do as he likes with the team has to stop. Give him three strong selectors and experienced assistant coaches selected by RA, not him.
He will hate that, and there might also be a downside.
One way or another, however, it will amaze me if this flaming clown car can continue rolling for much more than another fortnight.
What They Said
Dorking manager Marc White on his side losing in the qualifying rounds of the FA Cup: “Today was, wholeheartedly, a bunch of players that were absolutely shit. I will always put my hand up. I’d be the first to take blame. I ain’t taking the blame for that shower of shit.” I think he sounds sincere?
Argentine rugby player Julian Montoya on the win against Wales: “We know it is not going to be perfect: life is not perfect. It’s how you embrace the moment and fight for each other. That’s what rugby is about. Two more weeks with this team. I don’t want this to end ever.”
Lovely writing from TFF’s colleague, Emma Kemp, after attending the Eddie Jones press conference at Coogee Oval: “When Jones wears this smirk, it pulls his cheeks taut and creases his temples. The eyes let on that it’s still him in there – they glint so bright you could ice-skate on his eyeballs. But altogether, the features form an expression of bemused menace. A Joker who could laugh or strike at any moment, with a nod so barely perceptible it is more of a vertical quiver.”
Eddie Jones: “I think I’ve left Australian rugby in a better position.” I can’t quite believe he said that. Can you believe he said that?
Mark Ella: “[Eddie] needs to stay here, so he can build us up from where we are because where we are right now is basically nowhere.”
David Warner, clearly in his dotage: “I can go out there and try to hit a six every ball if I want, but it’s not what the team needs. For me, it’s about trying to bat for 35 or 40 overs, do my job well at a good strike rate.”
Johnathan Thurston, on the referendum on The Voice going down: “I thought it was a great opportunity for us to unite Australians and acknowledge the oldest living culture that’s been here for 60,000 years. It is a sad day, in my eyes, for Australia, but that’s not going to stop what I continue to do and that is to help inspire the next generation of our culture, that (sic) are still dying eight years younger than the rest of our nation.”
Irish coach Andy Farrell on their elimination: “Sport can be cruel sometimes – I guess that’s why we love it.”
David Warner takes a spectacular catch to get Sri Lanka’s Kusal Mendis in Monday night’s World Cup match.Credit: AP
Warren Gatland when asked about his job safety after their World Cup elimination: “Is this like an Eddie Jones question? I’m not actually sure what’s in my contract. I think there’s a break clause from the union but I’ve not actually read it. Yeah, absolutely [I’m committed to taking Wales forward]. If the union want to get rid of me, that’s up to them.”
Golfer Lexi Thompson on falling just short of being the first female golfer to make the cut at a PGA Tour event since 1945: “It’s an amazing feeling not only to have my parents out here to support me but just to be able to come here and follow my dreams is something I have wanted to do since playing against my brothers growing up.”
Graham Arnold on the Socceroos loss to England: “It’s just disappointing to lose.”
Socceroo Awer Mabil and coach Graham Arnold.Credit: Getty
NSW Rugby president Matt Burke: “Our last success at the Rugby World Cup was in 1999, and now our trophy cabinet is empty. We’ve been relying for too long on an outdated system that’s simply not producing the results we need in the modern game. It’s not working now, and it hasn’t been working for quite some time, it’s insanity on repeat.”
All Black Richie Mo’unga on beating Ireland: “No one really gave us a chance. We played Ireland, the best in the world, and we knew we didn’t have to be the best in the world, we just had to be the best on the day.”
Team of the Week
England, Springboks, All Blacks, Argentina. All are into the semi-finals of the Rugby World Cup, at the expense of, respectively, Fiji, France, Ireland and Wales. Deep sighs all around, with a special deep sigh for the Wallabies, barely being a footnote in this Cup.
Matildas. Take on Iran next week in Perth.
Fiji. Had a fantastic Rugby World Cup.
Afghanistan. Defeated England at the Cricket World Cup. Are we going to play them or are we going to boycott them because of the Taliban like we did when we had to go there?
Socceroos. Won the Soccer Ashes after they defeated New Zealand 2-0.
Netherlands. Defeated South Africa at the Cricket World Cup.
Ursula Carlile. First and only woman to become the head coach of the Australian swimming team died at age 86.
Watch all the action from Rugby World Cup 2023 on the Home of Rugby, Stan Sport. Every match streaming ad-free, live and in 4K UHD with replays, mini matches and highlights available on demand.
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