I am not sure who is running Gout Gout’s affairs, but whoever it is, give yourself a pat on the back out of petty cash. The news that our teen sprint sensation is going to run the Stawell Gift – athletics’ answer to the Melbourne Cup, with 147 years of history and a handicap race up a slight slope for 120 metres – on Easter Monday is wonderful.
Everyone wants to see him run, and what better place to cut him loose in this very early stage of his career than in an Australian race with such a rich history? The only problem for the organisers will be to work out just what kind of a handicap to give him, so that – as is the schtick of the race – all competitors are likely to get to the finish line at roughly the same time.
I reckon putting him three or four rows back in the stands, with his shoelaces tied together, should just about do it. Bravo bravo, Gout Gout. Over and out, can’t wait to see you run!
Peter, Trump plea demeans you and the game
What are you doing, Peter V’landys? Why debase yourself, and your fine game, to Donald Trump? I get that you are dinkum one of the best networkers the country has ever seen, and even parlayed your way into lunch with Queen Elizabeth II at Windsor Castle during Royal Ascot and a state dinner at the Joe Biden White House.
But rolling over on Fox & Friends in the hope Trump might tickle your tummy by turning up at Las Vegas should have been well beneath you.
Peter V’landys makes his appeal to Donald Trump on Fox & Friends.Credit: Twitter
“[Mr President,] we know you love physical, tough contact sports,” you burbled. “There’s no sport more brutal than rugby league. Our players don’t wear pads or helmets. As you know, Mr President, the US has a trade surplus with Australia, one of the rare countries. You attending will balance this out a bit. Hope to see you at Allegiant Stadium in Las Vegas on Saturday.”
As for gushing that Fox & Friends is “a great program, extremely fair and balanced”?
Peter, please. It is – as you well know – no such thing. The point of that kind of media – which we also have here, including certain strands of talkback – is not to be anything remotely approaching fair and balanced, and never to display any interest in getting to the truth of any particular matter.
It is to corral as big a mob as you can with a certain set of prejudices, and then shamelessly feed them everything you can to legitimise those prejudices, and ideally get them angry along the way, embracing grievance until their noses bleed.
They get extra points if they can find a lefty target to monster, even a devoted servant of the public over decades, like Anthony Fauci. Peter, as you know, their media model is not to be “fair and balanced”, it is to go to the extremes, and get so many old white men angry and on your side that you can sell ’em anything – even Trump.
Rugby league has won deserved plaudits in recent years for going exactly the opposite way to the path Trump is going down, embracing inclusivity and what the professional sneerers call “woke” policies.
The NRL embraced the women’s game, tackled homophobia with great effect, has been really strong on Indigenous issues and unashamedly welcomed everyone to the game whatever their gender, sexuality, race or religion – something directly responsible for your turnstiles clicking so well. Bravo, bravo, bravo.
Trump stands for none of the above. Best to leave him in the White House putting out insane missives that “Ukraine started the war on Russia”. No, really.
Gushing over LIV doesn’t wash with me
Never mind the blood, enjoy the golf!
Cameron Smith on the first day of play of the LIV tournament.Credit: Getty Images
As is becoming tradition at the conclusion of every LIV Golf tournament in Adelaide, the cheerleaders burst forth urging us to ignore the fact the entire raison d’etre of LIV is to wash away the blood from the repressive Saudi Arabian regime.
Because it is all about the golf. The golfers can tell you themselves: they’ve never seen a single beheading out on the course. Not one! And they’ve never seen anyone arrested for being gay, or tortured for protesting against the regime. They’ll even deny outright that sportswashing is even a thing.
Which is strange, because LIV’s paymaster, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman – who, the CIA concluded, ordered the murder of the journalist Jamal Khashoggi in 2018 – openly admitted on Fox News two years ago that sportswashing is precisely what is behind the billions being spent.
“If sportswashing is going to increase my GDP by one per cent, then we’ll continue doing sportswashing,” he said. “I don’t care [about the term]. I have one per cent growth in GDP from sport, and I am aiming for another 1.5 per cent. Call it what you want – we are going to get that 1.5 per cent.”
And the gushing over Adelaide fits with that perfectly.
“The benefit this deal brings to SA is unprecedented,” South Australian politician Connie Bonaros gushed. “We are the absolute envy of Australia at the moment. It’s already an amazing event – just imagine the added buzz if it were held in the heart of the city. The Premier took a huge risk when he signed us up to LIV Golf, but it was a measured one and one that I’m happy to back in to secure this agreement for as long as we can.”
Exactly. Never mind the blood, enjoy the golf!
Les can give Wallabies Kiss of life
The inestimable Michael Cheika has been in the news this week, mooted as a possible replacement for Joe Schmidt as Wallabies coach. Most of the speculation seems to have stemmed from the fact he was spotted having a cup of coffee with Rugby Australia CEO Phil Waugh.
Reds coach Les Kiss is the best man to replace Joe Schmidt in charge of the Wallabies.
When all is said and done, if they end up picking an Australian candidate, the most likely pick is Les Kiss, who first came to fame as a Kangaroo winger of some repute, and is now coaching Queensland. Not only does he have strong rugby coaching credentials after a post-league career that has focused on mostly that, but as one who has also worked closely with Schmidt as an assistant coach, he’d be the easiest bridge back into the team for the Kiwi magician in a consulting role.
What They Said
Tennis player Jannik Sinner on accepting a three-month ban for what he claims was inadvertent doping: “This case had been hanging over me now for nearly a year and the process still had a long time to run with a decision maybe only at the end of the year. I have always accepted that I am responsible for my team and realise WADA’s strict rules are an important protection for the sport I love. On that basis I have accepted WADA’s offer to resolve these proceedings on the basis of a three-month sanction.”
Jannik Sinner and Nick Kyrgios.Credit: AP, Getty
Nick Kyrgios: “So WADA come out and say it would be a 1-2 year ban. Obviously Sinner’s team have done everything in their power to just go ahead and take a three-month ban, no titles lost, no prize money lost. Guilty or not? Sad day for tennis. Fairness in tennis does not exist.”
Stan Wawrinka: “I don’t believe in clean sport any more.”
Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii on his Super Rugby debut compared to Test football: “I reckon the intensity, it was more here – that’s Super Rugby. If I’m being quite honest, I was talking to [Waratahs captain] Jake Gordon about it; just the ball in play, the contact and the boys were ready to play today, the Highlanders boys. I got hit a couple of times. It was good. It’s a high level of footy we’re playing here.”
Bulldogs honcho Phil Gould firing up the true believers: “Once a Bulldog, always a Bulldog. That is our program. To coach the Bulldogs DNA into our club, to make this the biggest and best club in the world. That is our program.”
South Australia Premier Peter Malinauskas on using taxpayer money to pay Greg Norman to redesign a golf course so that LIV Golf stays in Adelaide: “We’ll be signing an agreement that reflects this today … to build a brand new world-class, Greg Norman-designed championship golf course on the location of the North Adelaide site which will in turn trigger an option for LIV Golf to be extended until 2031.”
Arsenal player Mikel Merino on scoring two goals the day after St Valentine’s Day: “I forgot to give my wife something for Valentine’s Day so this goes to her. I think she will appreciate this more than a rose and some chocolate.”
WA Premier Roger Cooke loses patience with Peter V’landys over the on-again, off-again attempt to establish an NRL expansion side in Perth: “Look if he could just shut up for a little while . . . You ring him up and say, ‘How are you?’ and the next day in the Daily Telegraph, you get, ‘The Premier asks about my health’. The [NRL] are a funny mob to deal with.”
Ange Postecoglou after defeating Manchester United: “Everyone likes an impending car crash. I am sure we had a lot of people willing that scenario on. I know how hard these players have worked.”
18-year-old Brazilian tennis player Joao Fonseca after winning the Argentina Open: “Even in Argentina there are Brazilians cheering for me. That’s amazing. What I’m living is just unbelievable. I want to thank my friends and sponsors for helping me achieve my dream – to just play tennis.”
Jacob Kiplimo after breaking the half-marathon world record: “Today everything has been perfect, the course, the weather and of course myself.”
V’landys on the strategy of luring Donald Trump to the season opener in Las Vegas: “It would be priceless – there is no other person in America who could help generate awareness about rugby league than the president. Fox And Friends is a show he likes to watch in America. It is like their Today show on a cable network. We can only hope he saw the segment, and if he didn’t, we’re sure one of his staffers or friends did. We’re hoping for a response. It would be great.” Shoot me.
Team of the Week
Australia. Take on England in the Champions Trophy on Saturday night. I think that’s cricket, and probably one-day stuff, but don’t care.
Waratahs. Began the Super Rugby season with a 37-36 win over the Highlanders. Rah! Rah! Rah-Rah!
Canada and USA. That timeless quip about going to see a fight and an ice hockey match breaking out came to life when Canada and USA locked horns last week. There were three fights in the first nine seconds!
Richie Benaud. A friend suggests that today’s date, February 22 – or 2/22 – should be forever Richie Benaud Day. He’s been gone ten years now.
Jacob Kiplimo. Ran a half-marathon in 56 minutes 42 seconds, First person to run sub-57 minutes over the distance. The mind boggles.
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