You will recall TFF’s “scoop” last week, breaking the story that Peter V’landys, was in line to become the new Chair of Rugby Australia, replacing Hamish McLennan!
“It may happen as soon as late June,” I faithfully reported, “or early July. I know, I know, it sounds unbelievable, but the role would go with his other roles at the NRL and Racing NSW, which has given him wide contacts many of whom are billionaires who have hugely deep pockets. And in an age where Rugby Australia is looking for equity partners, V’landys has put together a consortium that could buy a 51% controlling interest in rugby and make him chair.”
Just a joke … Philippa and Peter V’landys.Credit: John Shakespeare
One or two leaguies didn’t take it for the bit of fun it was: an April Fool’s joke that managed to have union, league and racing heavies momentarily choking on their Weet-Bix before they realised they’d been had. One person who did take it for the fun it was, however, was V’landys himself.
Bright and early Saturday morning, he texted me.
“Hi mate thanks for early morning concussion. My wife only saw the headline and started on me … It was very funny as you had her hook line sinker. I didn’t help by telling her I was working up the courage to tell her about the new role …”
With apologies to Mrs V’landys, that is … gold!
Gag of the week
Oh, come on. You must know the story.
At Sydney’s Royal Easter Show in 2006, a massive wood-chopper who goes by the simple name of Jed, takes all before him, winning every prize and cutting every log in record time.
Everyone is stunned, because he’s never shown up in any wood-cutting competition before and no one has ever heard of him.
“Where are you from?” one incredulous journalist asks.
“I’m from the Simpson Forest,” says the axeman.
“Don’t you mean the Simpson Desert?”
“Well,” the wood-chopper says modestly. “That’s what they call it now.”
Leaguies should treasure Suaalii for now
I’ll get to Joseph Suaalii in a moment. First, let me establish the principle.
It was just before Christmas 1984, and my Italian rugby team, Rovigo, was playing the national champions, Padua, in the annual grudge match, surrounded by about 20,000 tifosi, rabid fans.
Joseph Suaalii will join rugby union in 2025.Credit: NRL Photos
I was il straniero, the foreigner, playing for Rovigo, while Padua’s straniero was the very player who had just taken the entire rugby world by storm, after starring in the Wallabies’ just-completed Grand Slam tour, the newly arrived … David Campese.
In the opening minutes, our hooker, “Buka” Bombonato, grabbed Campo, put him up against the high wire fence and started belting the bejeesus out of him. Buka’s head was on the winger’s chest, pressing him against the wire like a boxer getting an opponent into the corner, while he furiously worked Campo’s ribs with lefts and rights.
What to do? Smack Campo myself in the midst of the ensuing wild brawl, or smack Buka for daring to monster Australia’s national rugby treasure?
David Campese mesmerises the Barbarians during a 1992 Test match.Credit: Getty
I compromised: growling aggressively at Campo while pulling Buka off him.
And so here’s the principle for you non-Roosters leaguies to focus on.
When dealing with a national rugby treasure, there are more things at stake than the result of one petty match, no matter how important YOU think it is.
Suaalii is not yet Campo. But he could start to have that kind of impact from 2025 onwards when he takes up his contract with the Waratahs and Wallabies.
In the meantime?
In the meantime, look after him you bastards!
We of the union don’t mind if you tackle him, carefully, around the waist, so long as you break his fall as he goes down. Sacrifice yourself. Nothing rough.
Most importantly:
No head-highs;
No chicken-wing whatsits;
No hits from behind, when he’s not looking;
No gang tackles!
Instead, preserve and protect him.
We thank you leaguies for helping to develop his fabulous skills. We faithfully promise you’ll get a mention in dispatches, should Suaalii help the Wallabies to a win over the British and Irish Lions in 2025, and the home World Cup in 2027. (You’ve heard of those events, yes? They’re like an NRL grand final, but about 50 times bigger. Like, they’re on the world stage, not a suburban one?)
Thank you. We are watching, and will take the names of those who hurt him.
So look after him like a silkworm.
Like that famous English fullback Charles Dickens once said: “It is a far, far better thing you do, than you have ever done. It is a far, far better rest you will go to, than you have ever known.”
Golf doesn’t master in-game interviews
Meantime, did you notice the innovation they tried in the Masters coverage, wiring up a couple of players – Rory McIlroy and Max Homa – and giving them ear-pieces so they could be interviewed by the commentators as they strode the fairways and even while lining up the putts?
Nice idea, but it didn’t work.
Their comments were bland, offered no real insights and actually detracted from the sporting theatre.
When watching elite sport I, for one, want to think I am watching someone 100 per cent focused, fighting for his life, eking out every ounce of concentration he has in him to make the next shot. This destroyed that.
Let the commentators commentate, the players play and ne’er the twain meet.
What They Said
Nick Faldo on LIV players at the Masters: “Hey, if you want to go and do something different, fine. But [it] is a bit like: You had a job in a store and now you’ve got a new one, then you’re calling the store demanding you get a bonus. I’ve got nothing against these guys; the grass is greener on the other side and all that. But don’t get all uppity if people object when you come back.” The ratings for LIV, by the way, remain catastrophically low. No-one cares!
Knights coach Adam O’Brien unhappy with a disallowed try: “I thought we had to look at it real hard. We had to pick fly shit out of pepper to find a reason.” Brilliant imagery, yes?
At least Tim Sheens hasn’t lost his sense of humour, trotting out an old TFF line after losing their fifth straight match to start the season: “I hope we beat the bye in a couple of weeks.”
Formula 1 fan Will Sweet hit by debris at the Australia Grand Prix: “I was lucky not to have been hit by the very sharp end of the debris because that would have gone straight in. It could have been a lot worse. It could have been horrendous. If anyone was going to hit me with their car I’m glad it was Kevin Magnussen because I’m a Kevin Magnussen fan.”
Will Sweet was hit by flying car debris at the grand prix.
Waratahs coach Darren Coleman after his charges fell to their fifth loss in six matches, while the Brumbies have won five: “You feel stressed. Of course you do, I’m leading Australia’s biggest and proudest rugby province. At the moment you do feel it. It’s a losing shed, but it ain’t a losing shed. You know when you play shitty and the changeroom looks ordinary … it doesn’t feel like that.”
Matt Burke on union signing the big NRL names: “They wouldn’t know who I am or who David Campese is or Michael Lynagh or Mark Ella. They may know the names, but they don’t associate them with playing rugby. But if you have these young blokes coming through and they’re capturing the attention and minds of the young kids, then happy days. You can’t sell a secret.”
Eddie Jones on Rory Arnold not being selected for his Wallabies squad: “I think he is working on the factory line at Hino, isn’t he? He is making those trucks. Because he is not playing rugby at the moment. To get selected you have to play rugby. We don’t pick blokes who make Hino trucks.”
Geelong coach Chris Scott on starting 0-3: “I won’t be defensive if anyone says it’s not the ideal start to the season.”
US Paralympic rower Laura Goodkind on the problem with the Paralympics: “It’s become clear to me the bigger competition is during classification, not on the playing field.”
Tim Tszyu on his recent fight against Tony Harrison: “It was the real Tim Tszyu in there.” Shoot me.
Charlotte Harris who designed the Matildas’ World Cup kit with the player’s potential periods while playing in mind: “We know for the first 45 minutes [of a match] they can’t leave the pitch and for the first nine minutes on average they’re thinking about the potential of leaking [if they’re on their period], or if they’re about to or if they already are. That’s a huge chunk of time when they could be distracted so we knew this was something we needed to innovate against to be able to deliver for our female athletes, so we can remove that distraction and they can stay focused.”
Team of the Week
Jason Day and Adam Scott. Both Australians are off to great starts in the Masters, two or three shots off the leaders. Watch Day, particularly. Looks great, and confident.
Sydney FC. Won a third consecutive A-League Women premiership. Finals start next week.
Sydney FC captain Natalie Tobin with the A-League Women’s grand final trophy.Credit: Getty
Wests Tigers. Last year they also lost their first five before beating the Eels on Easter Monday by one point. Can lightning strike twice on Monday? I’d be most surprised!
Geelong. First AFL/VFL defending champs in nearly 50 years to start the next season 0-3. Paul Keating once said that “a government begins to die on the day it is born”. Perhaps the same might be said of grand final-winning teams, in some fashion? Discuss.
Max Verstappen. Won the Australian Grand Prix.
Victor Wembanyama. If you haven’t heard of him, you will. The 19-year-old, 2.19m Frenchman is a sure thing to go first in the next NBA draft. From there, expect him to become the next NBA superstar. In shoes he’s 7-foot5 in the old money, and an NBA rim is 10-feet high so he doesn’t have far to throw it!
Twitter: @Peter_Fitz
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