Editor’s note: This story contains mentions of self-harm ideation.
On a warm, September evening last year in Benidorm, Spain, Zander Murray sat on his hotel balcony and considered what his life would soon become. There was no longer a question in his mind. After years of mental and emotional torment, he was going to announce — to the world — he is gay.
The Scottish footballer’s friends and family knew, which for many who come out as LGBTQ+ is the most critical part. But not for Murray — the prospect of becoming just the third male, openly gay, active professional footballer in the world made an already daunting situation that more nerve-wracking.
As he stared into the bustling night, he thought about what had happened earlier that day. Celebrating his first Pride event, aged 30, he was in awe of the happiness and freedom oozing from those who had embraced their true selves.
He visibly loved it, and as a friend captured a joyful moment in a picture, Murray faced a conundrum. Just as if it were any other event, the friend was eager to share the snap on social media — but Murray was reticent.
Doing so would reveal everything. What he had worked so hard to contain, as he made his way through the ranks of professional soccer, would be out there.
“Something happened, something just hit me, and I went, ‘What am I doing?'” Murray, who recently signed for Bonnyrigg Rose in SPFL League Two, told ESPN.
“I could die tomorrow, and I’ve literally just lived a lie.”
And so he opened up his private Facebook account, containing many people from the professional football community, and retrieved the picture which had caused so much angst. He posted it — and fell asleep.
