Fouls, aggression and long shots galore: What it really means to ‘get Concacafed’

Are you or a loved one “getting Concacafed?”

Are you experiencing symptoms of a referee giving you a yellow card for getting punched by another player? Have you felt confusion upon watching another man somersault across the grass in anguish after you shook his hand to congratulate him on a nice play? Ever seen a group of ball boys shrug their shoulders and sit, immobile, after a goalkeeper literally punted the ball into the Atlantic Ocean? Want to scream because you just lost a game on a field of knee-high grass against a team of players who spent most of the past week on a commercial fishing boat?

If you’ve followed North American soccer for long enough, you’re familiar with the term. Heck, ESPN contributor Jon Arnold writes an entire newsletter about it every week; it’s called Getting CONCACAFed.

Arnold’s newsletter celebrates the conundrum that is Concacaf — a region that features two of the richest federations in all of the sport, the United States and Mexico; another one that mostly plays hockey, Canada; and then a bunch of other soccer-loving nations with varying (low) levels of resources and degrees of professionalism. Just a few years ago, the 60-year-old president of Suriname forced himself into a Concacaf league match. This is the same federation within which Lionel Messi plays his club ball and the likes of Christian Pulisic and Alphonso Davies represent their countries. It all exists together, and it’s beautiful.

At its worst, though, the fans who talk about getting Concacafed are fans of the richest country in the region, and they’re complaining about the “uncultured methods” of their poorer regional brethren. God forbid the underdogs try to find ways to even the playing field.

But what actually happens in Concacaf, from minute one through 90? It’s a question with competitive consequences in the Gold Cup, which begins Saturday, for the U.S. men’s national team, Mexico and Canada — all of whom also hope to make it deep into next summer’s World Cup.

How different is the sport played here, compared with over there? Let’s look into the numbers.