Of course, hope will spring eternal out Penrith way. Of course, they will say: “We can still do it from here!” “We’re just about to turn the corner!” “You don’t win four grand finals in a row and then just collapse in a hole.”
What else can they say?
But it changes nowt the truth. It ain’t the four successive premierships that matter right now, it’s the five successive losses – after an initial win in Las Vegas – that counts. It means that the only way they’ll get to the grand final this year is if they pay for their tickets.
The most astute analysis of how it has all come apart so quickly came from Cooper Cronk on Fox League. When you’ve lost players of the ilk of Jarome Luai, Api Koroisau and Stephen Crichton (among others), they’re difficult to replace, but Cronk’s theme was that what’s compounding their losses is that the team has failed to adapt.
Grosso modo (roughly speaking), he said: “They’re still calling the same plays as if those kind of players were there, and when they were, those plays worked. But the players who have replaced them just can’t do what they did, and so the plays don’t work. They need to come up with new plays.”
Sounds like a plan. Either that or they can start muttering about going into a “rebuilding phase,” the traditional invocation when a team starts regularly stinking up the joint.
Nathan Cleary.Credit: Getty Images
Five losses on the trot? FIVE?
As we say in the trade, put a fork in them and turn them over. They’re done.
Seeing triple? No, it’s not just you
We all know the German word doppelgänger, and if you don’t, think “dead ringer.” It’s people who are, if not exact replicas of other people, so close they could just about confuse their mother. At the very least, though not necessarily known to each other, they could just about be brothers or sisters. Think Hugh Grant and Phil Mickelson as an example.
Family affair? Brett Kenny, Zac Lomax and Shaun Lane.Credit: Vic Sumner, NRL Photos, Parramatta Eels
My question: what is the word for it when three people associated with the one team look very much alike: a triplegänger? I refer to one of Parramatta’s greats, Brett Kenny, and two of the stars of the current team: Zac Lomax and Shaun Lane. At the very least, if you didn’t know better, you’d reckon Lomax and Lane could be brothers, yes, and the great Brett Kenny their fine father? Have a look, and tell me I’m wrong.
If another one comes along with the Eels, I guess instead of a quadgäng, there’ll be enough we can just call it a gäng? And you’re right. Here at TFF, we really do deal with the big issues.
Eager to make a splash? Here’s how
Look, when it comes to the world’s biggest double back-flip in the massive pike position, resulting in a horrendous belly-flop that splashes everyone everywhere, I think we all know that this week, a record has been set that will last for centuries.
Not the ideal way to make a big splash according to scientists.Credit: Justin McManus
That would be US President Donald Trump, of course. He was going to build a tariff wall and have everyone, everywhere pay for it, and he was never ever going to cave, only to find out that tariffs are taxes on your own people and so decided – even as Wall Street fell 19 per cent on his economic genius – to can most of it except on “Chin-ah”, who can cop 145 per cent. The move had it all: backflips, belly-flops, massive splash of you-know-what covering everyone.
Genius, I tell you! But don’t get me started.
The point in the sports pages is, should you want to emulate Trump and make the biggest splash possible as you dive into water, how do you actually do it? Think for a moment.
Would it be to ignore the “no running, no skipping, no bombing” signs at the pool, and unleash a “bomb” by landing on your bottom, and cratering the pool from there, to make the girls look at you? (Oh, go on with you. We all did that when we were 10, didn’t we?) Or would it be better to use the diving board
and try to be like Steve Roach doing an actual belly-flop, using your tummy to make the central splash?
Worked it out?
Donald Trump’s tariff policies have sent markets on a roller coast ride.Credit: Bloomberg
I’ll wait . . .
Pens down. The answer, oddly enough, was provided this week by my friend James Woodford with the link to a piece he wrote in New Scientist, late last year.
The answer is this:
“To make the biggest splash when you dive-bomb into water, the secret seems to be to use the Manu technique practised by the Maori of New Zealand. This involves folding yourself so your torso and legs make a V-shape as you fall and making sure your buttocks hit the water first.”
But here’s the key. Just as you hit the water, you open those legs wide, and roll back to maximise the air cavity created by the hit, and subsequent splash as the water rushes back in.
An academic from the Georgia Institute of Technology, Pankaj Rohilla, and his colleagues studied it extensively.
“When a solid object, including humans, falls or jumps into water, it pushes water away and creates a large air cavity,” Rohilla is quoted by Woodford. “The pushed-away water decelerates and then accelerates inward, driven by buoyancy force and meets at the centre with high velocity, which is called cavity collapse. The
convergence of the flow generates a powerful vertical liquid jet known as the ‘Worthington jet’.”
The rest is scientific gibberish above my pay grade, but you get the drift. Hit first with your buttocks, and your legs spread at about 45 degrees. The instant you hit, roll back and spread the legs wider. Get applause from everyone, as opposed to the derision for back-flip belly-flops, as mastered by Trump.
Amateur Jose Luis Ballester of Spain plays his shot from the 14th tee, one hole after relieving himself.Credit: Getty Images
What They Said
Spanish amateur Jose Luis Ballester, on taking the piss, or at least one of them, at the Masters: “I completely forgot that we had those restrooms to the left of the tee box. And then I’m like, I really need to pee. Didn’t really know where to go, and … I’m like, I’m just going to sneak here in the river and probably people would not see me that much, and then they clapped for me. Probably one of the claps that I really got today real loud, so that was kind of funny.”
Melbourne Storm coach Craig Bellamy on Jahrome Hughes returning from a broken hand: “But he put his hand up and wanted to play.”
North Melbourne coach Alastair Clarkson: “We’ll roll up the sleeves, pick up the pieces, the sun’s going to come up tomorrow — doesn’t feel like it right at the moment — but we’ll get back to work.” A great plan, if they had sleeves.
Zac Lomax after beating the Dragons.Credit: Getty Images
Zac Lomax on sealing Parramatta’s first win with a field goal in golden point: “I just had to get the job done. The worst thing is, you go for a field goal and miss, and it’s a 20-metre restart. I had to get it done and thank God we did, we were due for a win.”
Western Australia Premier Roger Cook: “Given our location on the Indian Ocean Rim and in the same time zone as 60 per cent of the world’s population, the strategic value of a Western Australian side should be self-evident to the NRL. Unfortunately, like some people from the east, the NRL only appears to see WA as a potential cash cow.” People in Mongolia are more likely to watch NRL from Perth because it’s in the same time zone? Discuss.
Waratahs skipper Hugh Sinclair after they were beaten by Moana Pasifika: “Either they had the special juice at half-time or we stayed in the change rooms at half-time.”
St Kilda player Jack Higgins on spending a week in Adelaide: “No, I don’t like Adelaide, so I’ll probably be in my room playing Call Of Duty with the boys.” The mind boggles.
Ryan McCormick made a statement this week.Credit: Getty Images
Golfer Ryan McCormick on taping his mouth shut, to overcome his anger issues: “So I figured I’ve tried a lot of things, and I just figured I’d shut myself up. So I put tape over my mouth. I mean, I’m not like proud. I don’t want to create an experience for my playing partners that’s not fair. And, you know, it’s not fair to me either or other people. Having a tough time, and that was my solution today. At this point, I’ve tried about everything. I’ve read a lot of books. I’ve talked to people. Just too angry on the golf course. So I have run out of ideas.”
Washington Capital Alex Ovechkin on overtaking Wayne Gretzky to become the NHL’s all-time goal-scoring leader: “What a moment for hockey, what a moment for myself. Finally, no-one’s gonna ask me about “when are you going to do it?’”
Darts player Luke Humphries, after making comments about the darts schedule: “It will be the last time I ever confess my real feelings to the public. Everything I say or ever do just never seems to be good enough for anybody. As long as no one complains when we all give the same answers in interviews like robots and not our true feelings, then everyone I guess will be happy, or usually will still find a way to moan at us.” Welcome to the big time, Luke!
Team of the week
Justin Rose. Leads the Masters by three strokes after round one. Rory McIlroy was looking the goods to challenge before double-bogeying twice in the final holes to be seven shots off the pace after 18 holes.
Will Pucovski. The Australian cricketer retired from cricket after too many concussions – a sad story of a cricketer mooted to be one of the greats, only for things to go awry.
Ghaith Nadir. Channel 10 cameraman was hit on the head by Peter Dutton’s stray kick.
Maddison Levi. Just might be the best footballer in the country. At the very least, her stats are Lady Bradmanesque, having just last weekend at the Singapore Sevens scored her 203 rd try for the Australia’s women’s Rugby 7s team, in the process becoming the first Australian to surpass the 200-try mark. Our women won Silver, losing 31-7 to New Zealand in the final.
Bulldogs. A perfect 5 from 5, on top of the NRL ladder, they look the goods this year – with the Storm and Broncos the most likely to argue the toss.
X/Twitter: @Peter_Fitz
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