There’s this scene I love in M*A*S*H, where Hawkeye is trying to lift the spirits of a soldier who has lost a leg. It goes something like this:
“Say, where you from, soldier?” Hawkeye asks.
“Bettsville, Ohio,” the soldier wanly replies.
“Bettsville, Ohio?” Hawkeye says animatedly. “Isn’t that where the kids drag main every day before and after school? Isn’t that the town near the interstate, where the local baseball team just about made the finals a few years back, only to just miss out because of some crazy umpiring decisions at the last hurdle? Let’s see . . . Bettsville, Ohio . . . doesn’t that have, right on the edge of town, a hamburger joint that makes the best hamburgers and greasiest, most delicious French fries in the whole state?”
“That’s Bettsville!” the soldier cries excitedly. “You’ve been there!“
“No, never heard of it,” Hawkeye replies. “But I grew up in the same small town in New Jersey.”
Boom-boom . . .
Which brings me, oddly enough, to the post-football season we have just entered.
The cast of M*A*S*H, from left; Jamie Farr, Loretta Swit, David Ogden Stiers, Harry Morgan, Mike Farrell, Alan Alda and William Christopher.Credit: CBS
For, as we speak, there is a universality among the attitudes of every also-ran football team in the joint – a sense of exceedingly cautious optimism. Oh, come on.
Look at your own team right now! Not one of you is looking to next season and saying, “You know what? I think we are cooked.”
Rather you, and the management of your team feel that while it’s true, you didn’t win the biscuits this time, nevertheless:
* We at least now know what we need to do and are rebuilding.
* As we speak, we are taking measures and putting personnel in place, from coaches, to assistant coaches, to key defenders and attackers, that will make us stronger.
* Yes, we might have lost one or two key players, but we have some exciting youngsters coming through and have also cleared out some of the dead wood. We will miss Jacko, who was a stalwart, but we all know it was time for him to go.
* As to young Johnno, it would have been great if he’d stayed, but do we really want someone pulling on the jersey who was not desperate to wear it? We are better off without him
* True, we didn’t make it to the premiership and the winners were a great team, if a bit lucky, but watch them next season. It is inevitable that they will falter. You can already see the cracks appearing, and there will be a vacancy atop the podium that we can fill, if not next season, then soon. We are on our way.
*Also have a look at some of our changes to head office. There were things that simply weren’t working there this year, but those things have been rectified and that will help the war effort.
In sum?
We acknowledge that our Bettsville football team is not guaranteed to win next season. But I have every confidence that the changes we have put in place, and are putting in place, will mean we are in better shape next season, so watch this space.
Tigers back-rower Alex Seyfarth remonstrates with Jahream Bula.Credit: Getty
I mean it seriously: doesn’t that vibe cover just about every football team in the land right now, from the Orange Emus to the Wallabies; from the Wagga Tigers to Hawthorn; from the Maitland Pumpkin Pickers to, yes, the Wests Tigers?
Clearly, they can’t all be right.
Clearly, next season, despite the cautious optimism displayed by every team right now, we know for a certainty that next season will contain – on balance – the same number of triumphs and disasters as this season, the same number of bolters and blot-botherers.
For the hell of it though, let me nominate three teams that really do have a right to confidence, and three that should listen to their pessimists.
On the up and up?
The Wallabies. Yes, I know, I would say that, wouldn’t I? But still. There is no doubt that our blokes have improved from last year under Joe Schmidt. The team that was so bad they lost 40-6 to Wales in the most important game of the World Cup bounced back to beat Wales this season and were good enough to go toe-to-toe with the All Blacks just a few weeks ago, despite shocking starts. We will indeed miss Marky Mark now that you mention it bur do we really want someone pulling on the jersey who . . . well, you know the rest. And yes, right now, Joseph Suaalii looks more like a promising addition to the side, rather than the messiah that was promised . . . but, as he was born to rugby not league, he might yet turn into the player of his generation that was forecast. If on the spring tour, Suaalii can settle in and Schmidt can pick one halfback and one captain, we can start to build and give the Lions a shake!
The Titans. Go ahead. Sneer unpleasantly. But for some reason I’ve been watching their fortunes closely in recent seasons and there is something about that side that has two things: spine and bad luck. Des Hasler has strengthened the former since he arrived, and the latter must change. This year they lost five matches by five points or fewer. You heard it here first. They will make the eight next year!
Greater Western Sydney. Were dead unlucky this year. They started the year with five straight wins and finished the regular season with seven straight triumphs. It is just the middle bit that was stinking up the joint, and the finals – where at three-quarter time they were trouncing both the Swans 69-48 and the Lions 92-67 before falling into a hot mess. The point is, they have demonstrated they really do have a team that can win, and win well. They just have to avoid the bloody potholes of this year that they crashed straight into!
So now let’s go to the teams that have n–o right to optimism, who really should pull the doona over their heads for 2025, and we can wake them up when September comes.
The Swans. If they couldn’t win it this season, with everything they had going for them, the only way forward in 2025 is down. They won’t collapse, but how many teams come back from a train smash in the grand final to triumph the next season. It just never happens. They talk about it happening, of course, and insist they are not scarred. But I repeat: how could they not be?
Wests Tigers. Empires rise, empires fall, governments change, droughts follow floods and even British sovereigns do baton changes – and the only constant in our lives is the Tigers bringing up the rear, saying “Next year, you’ll see.”
The Socceroos. Look if they don’t beat me ol’ China on Thursday night in the World Cup qualifiers, it will be all over red rover. Over. At that point, forget rebuilding, it will be time for bitter recriminations and the players, coaches and administrators might be best advised to hide out for a while in Bettsville. They, too, will be missing a leg and blend right in.
